Lone Strawberry (enigmatism) wrote,
Lone Strawberry
enigmatism

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I had thought about making this private like all my posts lately, but I just honestly do not care anymore. Do with it as you will. Think what you want. If you ask me you might learn more. There is no substitute for talking. At least in my book. And nothing is as simple as words make it seem.

I am depressed more than I have ever been. I honestly do not know how to ask for help. I am so frustrated. All the people that I am there for whenever at the drop of a hat need me, just would wish that I would go away, or that's the feeling I get. All except one and I will see him later.

I just want to cry all the time.

When I came home from being a Costumer's Fairy on Friday night, it was about 4 in the morning, and the music from Jay's room was Tears for Fears, All around me are familiar faces


Worn out places
worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere
going nowhere.
Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression
no expression.
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow
no tomorrow.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very
very mad world

Mad world
mad world
mad world.

Children waiting for the day I feel good

Happy birthday
happy birthday.
Made to feel the way that ev'ry child should

Sit and listen
sit and listen.
Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me
no one knew me.
Hello teacher
tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me
look right through me.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
. . .
(yes, it's from Donnie Darko). That song has been stuck in my head ever since. I have tried listening to it, I have tried learning the lyrics, singing it on my own (owch!) and other things.

Well this morning I awoke to it still going thru my head. When Jay and Mike left, I thot they were going out for the afternoon to do stuff (I had forgotten that Adam said he was going to ask Jay to work) and so I thought that I would just play Mad World loud while I was cleaning [*pause for crying*] the house. But alas Mike came back after taking Jay to work. When I heard the key in the door I said "Fuck" and ran into my room with dripping gloves (I was doing the dishes) and turned off the music, not wanting to create drama.

Then I got to thinking that I never get to listen to music of my choice. The sound of Jay's music always permeates my room and sets the mood. Most of the time this is ok because Jay has good taste in music, but sometimes I need to listen to my own. Damn it, today was one of those times. I was going to listen to [fuck, like right now, I have my headphones on am listening to music while typing, but the bass beat from Jays room just got loud and its overpowering my headphones]. my music when I wanted this time. So I turned Mad World back on.

Of course, Mike was in the room and heard it. Of course he assumed that I was trying to create drama. And Of course he had to say something. Here is a quote from his journal:
For the first time in months, the hypocrisy around me doesn't matter a dime.
Mmm ... dime.

He is probably referring to the conversation that I had with him the other day about not creating drama. Oh yes, things can be twisted around any way you want, but there is always the truth. He will also say that it is not about me, but, well, it fits with his style. Oh well.

I didn't really want to create drama. I truly think drama is created by the people who percieve and interpret it. If you deal with people caringly and humanely, there really is little drama. It is only what you make of it.

I finally got timed of Mad World and listened to Ozzy "Goodbye to Romance" for a while. But I'm back to Mad World again. Oh well.

----

No one really seems to understand that mostly my motives are either thinking of other people or somewhat selfish. In my actions, I NEVER think of trying to USE someone to get to a selfish goal tho. I will let it go and just not get what I want before I will do that. Occasionally I do ask people for things, but I try to make them aware of what I am asking and what they will give. I really think that there are very few people who do that. Think of others first. (I know Aaron does that at least to some degree) Some of you can say it's bad to think of others first. But I know no other. I give until people start to take, then I see where I am at, and if I think the person is worth it, I let them take. Otherwise I will at a point cut the ones who take off.

I do not know what to do. I am truly living from moment to moment right now. Few threads (pun intended) are holding me up. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know what to ask for. And I find it kind of funny, and I find it kind of sad.

*cries"
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