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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

Subject:Writer's Block: Music of my heart
Time:8:20 pm.
What’s that one song that always reminds you of the one that got away?

Bennie and the Jets.   Hope you're doing well, Jeff!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Time:4:20 am.
Introduction to the New Enigmatism Journal

This is the journal of a man-boy-enigma who moved from Los Angeles to Walla Walla to remake his life. It is all the things that went into that process: Trials, tribulations and the pain of change and self-realization. Its dark and dank and full of all the things that make the world a dreadfull place. It's a very personal, very tormented journey through my life since LA. It's something that I needed to do. It's my life and I'm stuck with the reality of it. more realityCollapse )

Love, --eric
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Subject:Nan - My Grandmother
Time:3:16 pm.
Mood: sad.
Saturday I was walking downtown with EB and we were talking and walking by the Sew and Vac store. We were talking about EB's grandfather who died last summer and that brought to my mind my grandmother (my mom's mother.) She had been ill for some time, and my dad had emailed me a few days before that she had been diagnosed with cancer and probably had little time to live. I commented to EB as we walked that I thought it would be soon.

Later that night, I was talking to Nick on the phone and got a beep, when I looked, it was my dad's cell phone. I knew immediately that she had died. I barely kept it together on the phone and told him I would call him back in a few min. When I did, he gave me the details and asked that I call my mom the next day. Well as with my traditions, I put it off and put it off because I didn't know what to say. I finally called her on Monday. She sounded pretty good and was fairly chipper, but I didn't do so well. We talked for a while (we hadn't talked on the phone for a long time--- emails are just not the same.) The funeral was this morning.

Nan was the stoic and steadfast anchor of the family. She had lost her husband when my mom was 3 years old and her southern plantation home burned to the ground when my mom was around 12. She built another smaller house but never remarried. She taught first grade for 45 years at the local elementary school, but she had been retired for 30 years. Her home in rural South Carolina is where I spent most of the summers when I was growing up, from 6 years to about 14. It was always nice to get away from home for a month or so and be a kid in the country. I guess since I was by myself and there were no other kids there to torment and reject me, those were the happiest days of my childhood. I have many many memories of those summers.

When I was talking on the phone with mom, she suggested that I write something to Nan and that she would see that it got in the casket. *wipes eyes* I wrote the following and emailed it to my parents this morning. *crying now*

Nan,
Thank you. You always were a big part of my life, even though I never tried hard to keep in touch. You have left some of my most pleasant memories, and now that there will be no more, these and others will always stay with me: Sticky carefree summer, "an’te", porch pauses in rickety lawn chairs, day lilies and nasturtiums, a syringe boiling in a pot, my first Chip ‘n Dale, sunshine spot toast, "Gregga, don’t...", "mmmm...mmmmmm", endless visits to “neighbors” over miles and miles of tree lined roads, heavily laden pecan trees, stealthy lightening strikes, mute dinner bell, anxious water pump, barbed wire scar, more “aunts” than possible-some with uncles and some not, pecan pie from Ms Leola, coiled cottonmouths, carpets of pine needles, walnut grove and the Studemeyers, piano beats without tune, musty smell of the garage, sad and forgotten brick steps, blue lizards sunning and running, spongy lawn from 30 years of growing, touchdown in Augusta and the smell of summer getting off the plane, ageless fence gates, clothes lines, books and books of S&H Green stamps, icy blast of the air conditioner, “The Mole”, silver hair that never changed, classes of kids in Bowman, boiled peanuts and Mr. Willy, Sunday brunch, endless sweet tea, bushels of snap peas just waiting to be hulled, always cotton dresses, a trusty old Chevrolet, rickety well cover, moonshine relatives, peaches and sugar, fields and fields so I couldn’t tell where your land ends and had to ask every time, long country drives to go anywhere, BBQ like no other, Winn Dixie & Piggly-Wiggly - funny places to buy food, bouncing washer on spin cycle, old pedal sew-ers that still did, packets of old letters, the DAR and a real history, .22 rifles and other long lost toys, rural mailmen and boxes on a post, fluffy cotton blossoms for miles, and many many more memories that are lost in the recesses of my mind. Thank you for all the memories, both mine and the ones you shared. Thanks also for telling me the "true" stories. You always worked hard and tried to help everyone else; enjoy yourself now that you finally can. Love, eric.


Rest in Peace Nan, I will miss you.

--------------------------------

On another somber note, I think that Jay lost a relative this past weekend also. Someone told me that he had left work on Saturday crying because "his grandfather died." I guess for once I really know how he feels and I'm sorry for him and his family. I sent him a voice mail today in sympathy, but being sappy, I doubt that he will respond. Love and Hugs to you, Jay.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, September 21st, 2003

Subject:www.enigmatism.com
Time:10:54 am.


Definition

Enigmatism is a school of art in which figuratives images are presented in their original visiomental perspective, projected directly from the mind’s eye without interpretations or readjustments imposed by the standards of our optical measure.

well, well, well.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, August 24th, 2003

Subject:Sometimes
Time:2:10 am.
Mood: crushed.
Sometimes its hard to not feel like I've been rejected by the world.

Sometimes its easier to cry than to fake happiness.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to.

Sometimes.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 4th, 2003

Subject:A significant discourse on philosophy
Time:1:14 pm.
Mood: rushed.
What a random song and dance,
oh what a funny twist---
that underneath my frock and pants
would lurk the balls of Rosencrantz
just looking for a Guildenstern
to pummel with his fist.
It is a lesson hard to learn---
specifically, not to stew and burn---
or else you will end up quite pissed.
Yes, existential misery
is quite an albatross, you see,
a bag of bricks for you and me.

--Unknown

What exactly is the truth? If you read it you will get the point as well as if you didn't read it. Circular reasoning? Perhaps. But Descartes, Schopenhauer, Spinoza, McLaughlin, Peterborough, Yohannison-Elfsen---they were all girded by circularity of logic. And, logically, they were circular. See?

Too bad we all remember we exist. Is it the emotions? Or is it the memory which drags us down? Argueably we are the one creature that uses memory to its detriment. We just cannot let go of things. Once in that cauldron of memories, we stir and stir until finally some bubbling thick tortuous smelling potion is ready to unleash on unsuspecting fellow beings.

---

1) There is work to be done but it is hard to summon the energy to do so when one has so many trivial cares over which to obsess.
2) There is nothing to be done but sacrifice all happiness and stability for a neurotic ambivalence toward every decision with which life presents one.
3) There is much to be done with the words of the beautiful and famous; after all, they are better people and they probably have better sex.
4) There is fun to be done under the sun but no one will get off his/her ass to do it---just do it, already.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Time:4:38 am.
Do you use your left or right hemisphere more?

My Results...Collapse )
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003

Time:10:42 am.

Take This Quiz!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 19th, 2003

Time:10:22 am.
beast
You are Beast!

You are brilliant and extremely clever. You can
handle almost any problem swiftly and
efficiently. You are devoted to philosophy and
are always up for a good discussion.
Sometimes, though, your anger gets the best of
you and you upset those whom you care about.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, May 9th, 2003

Subject:Somebody thought of this and is doing it!
Time:12:16 pm.
A little company selling only independant artist's CD's online.

We've got to tell Hatti!
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 27th, 2003

Time:2:36 pm.
Mood:Desolated.
I had thought about making this private like all my posts lately, but I just honestly do not care anymore. Do with it as you will. Think what you want. If you ask me you might learn more. There is no substitute for talking. At least in my book. And nothing is as simple as words make it seem.

I am depressed more than I have ever been. I honestly do not know how to ask for help. I am so frustrated. All the people that I am there for whenever at the drop of a hat need me, just would wish that I would go away, or that's the feeling I get. All except one and I will see him later.

I just want to cry all the time.

When I came home from being a Costumer's Fairy on Friday night, it was about 4 in the morning, and the music from Jay's room was Tears for Fears, Mad WorldCollapse ) (yes, it's from Donnie Darko). That song has been stuck in my head ever since. I have tried listening to it, I have tried learning the lyrics, singing it on my own (owch!) and other things.

Well this morning I awoke to it still going thru my head. When Jay and Mike left, I thot they were going out for the afternoon to do stuff (I had forgotten that Adam said he was going to ask Jay to work) and so I thought that I would just play Mad World loud while I was cleaning [*pause for crying*] the house. But alas Mike came back after taking Jay to work. When I heard the key in the door I said "Fuck" and ran into my room with dripping gloves (I was doing the dishes) and turned off the music, not wanting to create drama.

Then I got to thinking that I never get to listen to music of my choice. The sound of Jay's music always permeates my room and sets the mood. Most of the time this is ok because Jay has good taste in music, but sometimes I need to listen to my own. Damn it, today was one of those times. I was going to listen to [fuck, like right now, I have my headphones on am listening to music while typing, but the bass beat from Jays room just got loud and its overpowering my headphones]. my music when I wanted this time. So I turned Mad World back on.

Of course, Mike was in the room and heard it. Of course he assumed that I was trying to create drama. And Of course he had to say something. Here is a quote from his journal:
For the first time in months, the hypocrisy around me doesn't matter a dime.
Mmm ... dime.

He is probably referring to the conversation that I had with him the other day about not creating drama. Oh yes, things can be twisted around any way you want, but there is always the truth. He will also say that it is not about me, but, well, it fits with his style. Oh well.

I didn't really want to create drama. I truly think drama is created by the people who percieve and interpret it. If you deal with people caringly and humanely, there really is little drama. It is only what you make of it.

I finally got timed of Mad World and listened to Ozzy "Goodbye to Romance" for a while. But I'm back to Mad World again. Oh well.

----

No one really seems to understand that mostly my motives are either thinking of other people or somewhat selfish. In my actions, I NEVER think of trying to USE someone to get to a selfish goal tho. I will let it go and just not get what I want before I will do that. Occasionally I do ask people for things, but I try to make them aware of what I am asking and what they will give. I really think that there are very few people who do that. Think of others first. (I know Aaron does that at least to some degree) Some of you can say it's bad to think of others first. But I know no other. I give until people start to take, then I see where I am at, and if I think the person is worth it, I let them take. Otherwise I will at a point cut the ones who take off.

I do not know what to do. I am truly living from moment to moment right now. Few threads (pun intended) are holding me up. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know what to ask for. And I find it kind of funny, and I find it kind of sad.

*cries"
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, April 14th, 2003

Time:7:17 am.
Mood: depressed.
It's really bad when you wake up in the morning and the first thing that you think of is that you wish you were dead and you feel that no one would really care.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, April 12th, 2003

Time:1:45 am.
Nintendo to Give Away 'Zelda' with GameCube
Reuters - Fri Apr 11, 6:20 PM ET
By Ben Berkowitz

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Struggling Japanese games company Nintendo (news - web sites) Co. Ltd.(7974.OS), having fallen well short of its sales goals for the GameCube video game console, said on Friday it will give away one of its most important games for free with the purchase of the hardware.

Nintendo, which has been offering a free game from a small selection with the purchase of the $149.95 GameCube for a few months, said it will add "The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker" to the giveaway pool as of May 4 and continuing through July.

"Zelda" will replace "Resident Evil Zero" in the giveaway offer, which some retailers have supplemented with a second free game on their own.

Nintendo had been counting on "Zelda," the latest title in one of gaming's most successful and storied franchises, to boost the GameCube's fortunes after a disappointing holiday season.

"They just need to find ways to get more traction," RBC Capital Markets analyst Stewart Halpern told Reuters. "Apparently the title itself has not been enough to drive machine sales."

Earlier this week, Nintendo said it had shipped 5.6 million GameCubes worldwide in the fiscal year ended March 31, substantially shy of its goal of 10 million.

Nintendo was aggressive in promoting the new "Zelda" game before its launch, offering a free disc with versions of two classic "Zelda" games to people who pre-ordered the new title. The company claimed pre-sales of more than 600,000 copies of the game ahead of its late-March launch.

"They're really taking their best card and playing it," Halpern said.

As a further enticement, Nintendo also said on Friday it will include a demo disc, with playable samples of upcoming games, as part of the promotion.

Nintendo officials said earlier this week they would not cut the price of the GameCube unless their competitors lowered their prices. Sony Corp (news - web sites).'s dominant PlayStation 2 (news - web sites) and Microsoft Corp.'s (Nasdaq:MSFT - news) Xbox (news - web sites) both retail for $199.

After dominating the international video game market from the early 1980s to the mid-1990s, Nintendo has been eclipsed by Sony and Microsoft in the global console market.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2003

Subject:Home is not Home
Time:12:32 pm.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Here I sit after finishing my thoughts of the last 24 hours. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to go home. Home is not home, at least not my home. It is everyone else's home. It just does not seem right. I find myself imagining walking out the door and a bus speeds by in a blur and I am gone...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:11:37 am.
This will be the second time that people use me and just walk away. Honestly, I don't know what it is going to do to me at that point.

---

I wish I had something to help me decide what to say when I complain because it seems that always I say the wrong thing. Retrospection would be nice.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:How it feels
Time:11:09 am.
Mood: sleepy.
"Think of me what you will
I've got a little space to fill

So let's get to the point, let's roll another joint
And let's head on down the road
There's somewhere I got to go
And you don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels
No, you don't know how it feels to be me

You don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels
No, you don't know how it feels to be me"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Tuesday, April 8, 2003
Time:9:40 am.
Tuesday was the most disappointing day.

The day started out ok, but went downhill fast.

I took Jay to work, then came home and I checked out my email while I decided what I needed to do for the day. I decided to make this an exercise/play day in the park. It was to be the first day I have had to myself in a long time. Casey was sleeping in, Jay was at work, Mike was at school, and I had until 5:30 when Casey had a meeting at work. I could go get some sun (need that Seratonin!) and play and exercise in the park, then do some other things, etc. At about 1:30 I was just about to get in the shower so that I could shave, and clean up (I was sticky and felt nasty) before I went out. The phone rings and it's McDonands. I tell them that Casey is asleep, and we almost hang up, but unfortunately Casey hears me and yells that he is now awake. He gets on the phone and they want him to come in, and he commits to being there in about 40 minutes. He does not ask me if it's ok, or if he has a ride, or anything either during or after the call. So, there go my plans. I cannot take a shower (he announces he is getting in the shower) I cannot make it to the sun while its still high enough to get a tan, I have to waste more than an hour of my time waiting for him and driving him. Aargh.

Ok, well I drop off Casey at work, and then head over to the park. There are people everywhere (when usually there is no one there), so I feel self conscious and have trouble doing what I want. the sun is too low to get much of a tan, but I try anyway. I wander around, play with my phone, almost nap, get woken up by a strange couple, wander some more, explore the remains of an old "still" (I think). Finally it starts to get a little cold to lie on the grass, so I go to the storage to look for stuff and sort. Nothing is really being absorbing or relaxing, it all feels like work. I play around there until its time to go get Casey from work at 7pm. Mike is going to get Jay, so I don't have to wait for him and I can get home and make a sandwich for him (I need something to do to relax.) I get home and start making the sandwich, but Casey is just constantly yakking about this that and the other shit from work, and he expects that I am hanging on every word. I actually burn two batches of buns before its all done, and I'm not satisfied with my bun choice at the last minute, but right before Jay arrives, the sandwich is on his desk and all is hopefully well. I clean up the kitchen and then decide that I will take that long awaited shower as soon as the boys leave (so I won't get in their way.)

Well, literally one minute before the boys leave and I head to the shower, Casey announces that he is going to take a shower. Aarrggghhh!@#$% I am so disappointed and angry that I just don't know what to say and I just leave. I go off and do I don't know what including drinking a couple of Sparks and other assorted things that waste a lot of time and finally get calmed down again. By this time it's almost 1am in the morning, and Adam calls by cell phone and leaves a message inviting me to go to the apartment, where gin and mix awaits.

I go home and check it out, but as I walk in the door, Casey glares at me and twenty questions is about to break out. There are just too many people there including Peter, and I can't see being able to take it. I just leave right away.

I leave Adam a message apologizing for not coming to drink, but that I just need quiet. I hope he doen't take it wrong. I did say it wasn't their fault. Oh well.

I just drive around for a while, buy another Sparks and go over to ---- and park. I just sit and nap or steam or stew. I decide that 4am is my next attempt at a shower, as everyone should be asleep and/or tucked in bed by then and I won't bother anyone and no one will get in my way.

I wake a little before 4 and start driving home. At 4am exactly, Casey calls me and asks if Able can spend the night. I just flip out and stop thinking, because everything is just working against me. I say "well I just won't come home then." and hang up.

Because I am close, I go home to grab some clothes and then I will leave and spend the night in the car, and take a shower tomorrow morning at Joe's before my appointment. When I get inside, Adam and Amber are asleep on the living room floor, and Casey and Able are in our room. where I was supposed to sleep anyway, I don't know. I just end up going off on Casey for I don't know what, it really isn't his fault, but I am very mad and hurt and disappointed and tired and cranky and whatever. I probably don't make much sense, but I tell Casey that this is the third time today that I just wanted to take a shower, but couldn't.

I get my clothes and leave. I spend the night in the car, and then go over to Joe's in the morning to take a shower. Luckily the shower happens before the water is shut off. Yes, Joe has no water.

FLASH!!!!!! The US military has captured Sadam Hussein's bunker by bomb over the last night and the news is all over the tube, in decadant repitition. I don't understand how so many supposedly intelligent people can say so little in so much time.

My appointment is cancelled this morning, and that just is the icing on the cake. I am already at the end of my rope.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

Subject:you say i'm not ok. you say you're ok.
Time:9:30 pm.
Mood: cynical.
Lack of Love/Closeness is Making Me Crazy

+ If I get depressed then people don't like me and they don't want me around. Just when I need them most.
+ If I get depressed then people don't like me then I don't get love/closeness then I get depressed.
+ This is very different from other times, its way more serious, there is way less solutions. Way more serious.
+ If I bitch about anything people say I am wrong for doing so
+ If I bitch about doing things for people they say I'm wrong or don't do them.
+ If I don't do them I suffer because things aren't done.
+ If I don't do them I miss out on the enjoyment of doing them and accomplishing and seeing accomplishment.
+ If I do things for people they say I am wrong or wasting my time
+ If I stand up for "my time" or "my thing" then people get hurt/angry/blame-me/say "I never get..."
+ If I don't stand up for my time, then they say I'm wrong.
+ If I cook/clean/etc they say I am spoiling them
+ If I don't cook/clean/etc people bitch about cleanliness/ants/toilets stopped up/etc, or they waste food and money.
+ If I say what the problem is, I accused of guilt tripping people.
+ If I don't say what the problem is, I'm not being honest
+ People say "go do it", but I don't know how, and no one will give up their precious time to give me tips/lessons.
+ I am so scared that even if things start to happen, it probably will not work anyway.
+ If I talk about my poor existence, then "its trying to make people feel sorry for me."
+ If I don't talk about my pathetic existence, then I'm keeping it all inside and/or not seeking help.
+ If I admit to problems, I am labeled as crazy or schizophrenic. So says the pot to the kettle.
+ I don't know when I'm doing wrong, and no one is offering suggestions.
+ People spend so much time complaining about me behind my back that of course they don't have time to talk to me about it.
+ I HATE everyone normal
+ I'm giving up trying because everyone by example says "It's better not to care!"
+ I'm wrong for going against the grain and expecting something from people. Yet...
+ It's OK for people to be a dick to me, but not OK for me to be a dick to them.
+ It's OK for people to discuss my motives for doing things with me not in the room, but not OK for people to ask me for confirmation.
+ It's OK for people to analyze Eric and say what he's doing wrong, but it's not ok for Eric to ever criticize others and say what they are doing wrong.
+ WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT LIFE IS NOT FAIR and EVERYONE ELSE GETS WHAT I WANT.
+ I WANNA BE JUST LIKE YOU ALL AND NOT CARE.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 1st, 2003

Subject:This is an interesting Concept
Time:1:43 pm.
From a sign in a store window:
"FREE BOOKS - Official Bookcrossing Zone"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:My Dearest Casey
Time:12:52 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
********[In Progress - Not Complete]********
Dear Casey,

I have been trying to figure out what is wrong right now, and I think that I am beginning to understand.

You are doing fair to good in school (but could be doing much better).
You are doing good at remembering to pick up after yourself.
You are doing fair at continually doing chores (you "forget" most days)
You are doing poorly at showing genuine consideration for others.
You are failing at keeping my confidence and trust.

That last one is the most important issue right now.

You wanted to be treated like an adult.
You wanted to be motivated to go to school and learn.
You wanted to learn how to live on your own.
You wanted to have a better life and go farther than the rest of your friends.

As I have told you for two months now, you need to "Do What You Say". In everything you do you go a little over the line, or totally disregard and blow off things. You "say" you will be more conscientious about chores, that lasts for a day. You "say" you will put money in your savings account, but not even one dollar stays there. You "say" you like school and are enjoying learning, but then say different things to your friends. You "say" you will clean up after yourself, and in many things you are, but you still ignore things you don't want to do (living room). You "say" you will be home at a certain time, but come home hours later. You "say" you will catch up on your sleep, and then stay up until 2 or 3 every night. You "say" you will get up without a problem, and then bite my head off when I wake you up. You "say" you want a quiet house, then invite visitors over. You "say" you are respectful, and then constantly interrupt and talk over people.

Whenever I question you about anything, you say "I was planning to do that" or "I thought about ... but forgot" or avoid the issue and just say you "want" something.

More than half of your sentences start with "I want ..." or "I really hate ..." or "I'm [hot/cold/hungry/bored/nic'ing/]," expecting someone else to do something about it or put up with your solution.

I know you say you are trying to do a lot of things, but... I can hear you say you are trying, but I do not "believe" anymore that it is not just for show. You are doing the minimum that you possibly can (and make that less and less as time goes on) to keep me somewhat off your back. You have started avoiding talking to me about things that you know need to be dealt with.

I do not see any actions that are telling me that you are really sincere in what you say. You need to start doing what you say.

You expect me to keep with my word, why is it that I should not expect that of you?
You expect me to do a lot of work to "take care of" and "work around" you.

I expect you to start being true to your word or expect me to start not being true to mine.
Why should I not expect you to do a lot of work to take care of yourself?

Love,
--eric
Comments: Add Your Own.

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